Harnessing Your Emotions Part 2: Pause
Last week, we talked about the importance of feeling your feelings. As we learned, stuffing our feelings only gives them more power. The feelings you push down or ignore will come out somewhere - and if you don't take the time to feel them and think through them, they will likely come out at a time and place that you'll regret.
What happens if, instead, you let yourself feel your feelings? You’ll learn to appreciate, understand, investigate, and harness them so that they can help lead you towards your goals as opposed to derailing you from the things you want to accomplish.
This bring us to step 2 in harnessing our emotions: PAUSE.
This one is tough! There are times where we get so hooked by our feelings, it seems like it will take nothing short of hitting a wall to stop the emotional train that we're riding.
Taking a pause is tough - but it’s worth doing because it's very effective.
We all recognize (and research has demonstrated) that one of the most effective ways to avoid being derailed by our emotions is to allow time to pass between when we feel a strong emotion and when we make a decision - a "time delay." More often than not, our emotions and the accompanying physiological responses (a racing pulse, a red face, etc.) are short lived.
This is true even for the emotions we feel most intensely. For example, if I am angry or hurt I feel a tingling sensation rush through my body. If I let myself feel it - lean into it - it usually lasts about 10 seconds. Am I still upset after it's over? Yes. But I've also learned to recognize that the most intense part of the emotion passes quickly, and then little by little I begin to calm down.
This process is much more difficult, however, if I don't PAUSE. The anger or hurt that I feel could easily lead me to a place where I can't control what I say or how I say it. That is not a formula that is conducive for getting to what I ultimately want - which is sincere cooperation from another person.
We all know that a pause is tough. It is much easier to get swept up in the emotion - and sometimes, a lot more satisfying! (At least in the moment.) So how do we learn to take that pause?
You guessed it - we learn by practice.
A note: Don't expect to get this right the first time. It can take months of continuous practice to feel like you are making appreciable progress. And it will be awkward at times. As you know, it's in that valley between expectations and reality where we give up. Don’t do that - progress is not linear.
For practice, here are a few practice strategies that really helped me, and I hope that they help you too.
Verbalize. Tell the person that you're talking to that you need a minute. The phrase I typically use is, "I need a break from this conversation so that we can get the best outcome. I'll be back in ________ (10 minutes, 24 hours, etc.)". There are many other ways to ask for a pause. It can be as easy as saying, "Hey, I need a minute."
Move out of the space you're in. Sometimes, in order to take a pause, it’s helpful to literally leave the space you’re in. This is not a storming out type of leaving. I'm not slamming cabinets or doors as I make my exit (most of the time). Instead, I'm simply walking away from the episode at hand and moving into another room for a minute so I can take a pause. It doesn't have to be another room, either. The key is to get some physical distance - even if it’s just a few feet.
Use a mental cue. Anger is often a symptom of a more deeply rooted emotion - fear. When we're angry we feel overpowered or powerless. No one enjoys that feeling. That's why anger leads us to come out swinging - we're in protective mode. For me, I say three things to myself in those moments: "I am strong. I am powerful. I am in control." This usually brings me to a place where I can take that mental pause. A pause of 5 to 10 seconds can be the difference maker - shifting you from a reactionary stance to one where you can work through your feelings.
What do we do after that pause? We'll talk about that next next.
This week, I want you to practice taking that pause. Don't wait until you're feeling an overwhelming emotion. Try pausing when you're feeling slightly annoyed, somewhat irritated, a little powerless, slightly disappointed, somewhat angry, etc. Begin working on taking a pause when you're starting to feel an emotion. Taking a pause is a skill muscle that you'll build over time. With training and practice, you'll get skilled at the pause - and you'll be surprised at how often you’ll steer yourself towards a pause even when feeling your biggest and most intense emotions.
(If you're doing this in preparation for an important conversation, remember to have a good contingency plan in place.)
Will you be able to take that pause every time that you're in danger of boarding the runaway emotional train? No. You're human. But you'll learn to do it more often than not - and that's significant progress. Remember, think small to make big things happen!
