Harnessing Your Emotions Part 4: Act
Last week, we learned how to take the weight of big emotions off of our shoulders, so that we can think about how to act. Typically, big emotions indicate that something we care a lot about is at stake. In a situation like that, ideally, we want to make a thoughtful and reflective choice. Shelving our emotion for a period of time creates space for us to do just that.
What's the difference between shelving an emotion (which can be useful) and stuffing it down (which is not)? When you shelve an emotion, you plan to get back to it. You are not ignoring it. You are not oretending it's not there. When you shelve an emotion you recognize, with absolutely certainty, that the emption exists. You fully intend to get back to it. You shelve it (for a period of time) so that you can take the weight of it off of your shoulders.
For how long can you shelve an emption? That's up to you. The best answer I can give you is for as long as you need to. There's no general rule. It will depend on your personality, the situation, and your life circumstances. Most of the time, I need about 10 minutes of shelving before I'm ready to act. Sometimes I can go through the entire process in less than 30 seconds. However, there have been times where I've shelved an emotion for months. I did not ignore it. I knew it was there. I would feel it tipping off the shelf at times, ready to land in my lap - but I knew I wasn't ready for it yet. If I would have taken it off the shelf too soon, I’d have acted in a way that I did not feel good about. So, when I felt it tipping - I caught it, held it for a minute, and put it back on the shelf until I knew I was ready to accept it and work with it.
Shelving allows you to recognize the importance of the emotion that you're feeling, while allowing you the time to reflect and act thoughtfully.
The timeline looks like this:
You have a strong emotion --> you allow yourself to FEEL it --> you take a PAUSE from the emotion (and the situation)-->you SHELVE it so that you could remove the weight of it from your shoulders --> and then- you ACT.
Use the time you had while shelving the emotion to consider what's really going on. What is bringing up these big emotions for you? And, what do you need to do with this information in order to keep moving forward? What decision can you make, or how can you act, such that your integrity is maintained, your values are aligned, and you keep momentum towards your goals?
FEEL. PAUSE. SHELVE. ACT.
Here's an example.
At a former job, I learned that a new hire (with significantly less experience than me) was brought on with a higher salary. I talked to my lead about their decision and asked them to consider a salary increase for me. They said they were not able to do that - it was their organization's policy to keep up with salary increases for new hires but not correspondingly raise salaries of current employees (they called this "compression"). They were firmly committed to this policy. Despite the fact that I was exceeding all expectations on my annual reviews, they were unwilling to consider a raise in salary.
You can imagine how I felt about their decision. I wanted to resign but I was in the middle of a significant project that I knew would be a glowing addition to my resume. So I shelved my disappointment so that I could continue to do my best work and complete that project - while being a good colleague and a contributor in my current role.
Once I finished that project, I took my disappointment back off of the shelf and dug into it. I realized I was disappointed about several things in my job. I was - objectively speaking - overperforming but underappreciated and underpaid. I needed a new challenge and, now that I'd finished that big project, I was ready to take it. Most importantly, I didn't want to work in an organization where talent was taken for granted. Or where exceeding the expectations of the role was not appreciated and rewarded.
I started considering other options, and shortly afterwards was offered a dream role with a different organization. I was ready to take it - and I did.
If I would not have shelved my frustration and disappointment, I would have been distracted from finishing that project and would not have been able to give my full effort every day to my job. If I would have resigned before finishing my project, I would have regretted that for a very long time. And, on a personal note, it's highly important to me to be a good colleague regardless of the organization's decision making - and I was able to see that value through until I resigned.
FEEL. PAUSE. SHELVE. ACT.
I recognize that it sounds like a lot of work. And frankly, it is. Growth is not for the faint of heart. It's MUCH easier to let your strong emotions get the best of you and derail you. And, certainly, at times you will be so far gone on the emotion train that you won’t be able to stop yourself. But with training, time, and practice, you will improve your ability to have your strong emotions guide you, but not control you.
This takes practice, but you'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to go through this process once it becomes habit. And the rewards in your life will be significant.
Ok, it's YOUR turn - what emotion are you shelving? Is it time to act? If so, how will you do so in a way that maintains your integrity and values?
Sincerely,
Dr. Nahed A. Zehr
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